I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
