I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
