who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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