He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
