she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
