well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
