I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
