Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
