My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
