my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
