pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
