I wish my penis had an off switch
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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