There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
