Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
