i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
