I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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