Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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