What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So vagazzling was a success
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