I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
