Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
