I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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