We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All the doctor said was why
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
