So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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