is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
