its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
