You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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