I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
