Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
