thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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