We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You ruined the universe
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
