you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
