you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
