The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
