Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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