Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
