She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
