I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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