i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
