If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
