my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
