remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
