I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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