We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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