apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
