so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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