Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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