Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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