you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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