Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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