you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Don't make out with my wife yet
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
