Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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