batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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