I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i now understand why vodka
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
