I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
