when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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