he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
