so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
