I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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