I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
